I Miss My Feet

7/29/12 – Pregame

I begin this new diet tomorrow- the Slow Carb Diet - and I just wanted to take a minute and record what I feel right now. Hopefully, there will be a discernable difference in about a month. 

I’m tired all the time. 

My joints hurt – my hips and knees in particular.  I don’t want to take the stairs because of the pain.

My stomach is pretty hard to the touch – pretty sure I’m bloated most of the time.

My feet swell/cankle city. 

I can knock things over with my rear end without realizing I was that close (really).

I’m out of breath very easily.

I sit a lot at work and at home. 

I stay up way too late because I don’t want to be alone with my brain.  I would rather do anything in the world than go to bed and be alone with my thoughts.

I sleep late because I was up late – home, work, home, work, sit, sit, sit.

I’m depressed – feel hopeless.

I eat when I’m stressed.

I’m stressed a lot.

I have chest pains from anxiety, but worry sometimes that I may be a heart attack because I’m so overweight.

I’m 34 years old. 

I’ve decided to take this step today and give it all I have for at least one month.  I mean it.  100%.  I can’t afford to do any less, as “winging it” is not working so well for me. 

Goal for the next two weeks – follow the plan to the letter

Goal for the next month - gfollow the plan to the letter, get 30 mins of exercise 5 days a week.

Recomposition Goal – Lose 20 pounds in one month

Achievement Goal – Be able to ride a certain roller coaster at a nearby theme park (currently too fat to do so).

Okay, here we go!

I love roller coasters. The “whee!” factor is huge, too huge not to make it one of the best things ever. But, wanna know when roller coasters are a big ball of suck? When they are EMOTIONAL roller coasters. (Important distinction - This does not include “Roller Coasters of Love”, because the Ohio Players only sing about good, funky things). Today, I was on the emotional equivalent of “The Dragon’s Lair of Fire and Death and Metal and Awesome” or whatever ridiculous thing they’re naming coasters these days, and as such, I had a craving.

After an emotionally draning day, over the course of which I maintained my dietary integrity, there was this nagging feeling that I needed something. That something was…Oreos. Yes, that yin-yang of yum that we have all loved since our childhood - it called to me. See, I don’t think that it was just that I wanted a yummy cookie, I can go better places for that. I think that I needed the comfort of the ritual (Dunkers to the front!) So, I left some calories at the end of the day to have two servings (I ate wonderfully and organically and therefore was good with a snack, I didn’t sacrifice dinner for this) and was good to go. I got my mug, my skim milk, I dunked, I waited for maximum absorption before the fall-apart point, and I ate. AND, I was able to stop at that. Check. Me. Out. This may not be big news for you, but this was a minor victory. I enjoyed sensibly, and it was totally worth it.

Tune in for tomorrow’s installment - I Wish Spirulina Tasted Like Rainbows Instead of Shoe-Flavored Quicksand.

Day Three, and I’m feeling good.  I’m faithfully recording everything in my app, and it’s helping me make good decisions.  Let’s face it, it’s easier not to flip off that guy in traffic when you’re on the way to confession.  I also don’t want to take the time to record some diary of regret that I can go back over in moments of self-loathing and go, “Yep, total slob.  Where did I even find a case of Ho-Ho’s anyway?  Do they even sell those?”

So, I’ve lost 4 pounds so far with minimal exercise.  You can’t see this at home, but one of my eyebrows is raised in a skeptical manner.  I feel like my scale is saying, “Oh yeah, you’ve totally cracked this weight loss thing.  Keep doing what you’re doing, Slim.”  And frankly, I do not care for implied sarcasm from my appliances.  I guess I’m what is called tentativelywaitingforthebottomtodropoutandputontenpoundsoutofnowhere happy. I like what’s happening, but I trust it less than my GPS (this is a cul-de-sac, how can I keep going straight for 30 miles, Mr. British Man?).

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s installment: Anyone Else Waiting to See Jillian Michaels Hulk Out on a Talk Show and Have To Be Chased by the National Guard?  Just Me?

Exercise was a bust. Got up in enough time to do the Exercise On Demand thingy on Time Warner Cable only to find out that they replaced it with a series of exercise videos out of what looks like somebody’s garage. Gone are the “Kick-Boxing Blast”, “Beach Body Boot Camp” and “After This Video You’ll Call Your Mom Crying That You Got Your Butt Kicked Then We’ll Come To Your House and Make You Do 100 Chin Ups and 300 Lunges Just For Crying About It…Workout” and in it’s place are crappy videos that look about as challenging as reaching for something on the top shelf. I’m not saying I need a drill sargent in every video, just somebody who doesn’t look like or sound as boring as an accountant. (My apologies to you rad accountants out there, much love). Anyway, I did some wonderful stretching I remember from a while back, and will soon get back to the gym. Although I do hate Urban Active with the firey passion of 1000 suns and plan to break up with them soon.

Food was rockin’, except when a co-worker brought in no-bake cookies because he knew they were my favorite (seriously, Universe, you cheeky monkey) So, I decided that I would have one but would faithfully record it my handy dandy little phone app. Turns out that there were entries for every kind of cookie (seemingly) but nothing for No Bake. Which begs the question, is this a regional thing? Does this ball of deliciousness go by another name? Or is it possible that it just hasn’t been added? I’m going for the latter, but if any of you know of another name, lemme in on it. I crave trivial knowledge like a fat kid loves cake. So, you know, me.

Tune in tomorrow when we address the question - Can Rice Cakes Substitute for Packing Material?

Day One is in the books, and I’m pretty happy with the results. I didn’t get my exercise in, so that’s goal number 1 for tomorrow. Well, I did take the stairs, which I generally avoid because of their jerk status. So, you know, that could be regarded as progress. My food was good. I gotta say, this food journal app, while somewhat a pain in the ass, plays on my laziness in a good way. There were free cookies in the breakroom (thanks for the support, Universe) and I didn’t mindlessly grab one and eat it because I DIDN’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THE EFFORT OF PUTTING IN THE APP. How goddamned lazy is that? Am I afraid I’ll get winded just typing? It’s brilliant! Oh, and by eating better food, I wasn’t as hungry. I only got to 75% of my caloric intake for weight loss, and I’m pleasantly full. Take that, mindless snacking! I’m having fun so far. Let’s see if I can kick Day Two’s ass harder than Day One.

I’ve always been fat, and I’ve lost weight before, but it’s never stuck.  So, in a fit of “Christ Allmighty, just do it already” I decided that today is that “tomorrow” that never seemed to come. So I will share my wins and fails here, and hopefully some of you will feel inspired once you see me acheive my desired result, which is to be healthier - and to finally see my feet. At least without leaning.

Full disclosure - I hate exercise.  A lot.  Stairs are jerks.  I don’t run unless I’m being chased or the ice cream truck is nearby.  However, I am willing to strike a deal with exercise for the purpose of this process.  If it doesn’t kill me, I will not curse it’s name continually.  And I can get pretty creative with some curse words, let me tell you. 

I am also using an app on my phone record all of my food and beverage intake and exercise.  It’s Calorie Counter by FatSecret and I like it so far (probably because I hate to cook and it has a barcode scanner - score!).  There’s an online element to it, too, but I’m not trying to build Rome in a day here, so I’ll get to that some other time.

Okay, I’m putting on my helmet, here we go!